Dear Sirs;

I just got back from Mongolia where I helped Camel herders establish micro-credit economic tools to enhance their farm status. I spent many days wandering the desert with the nomadic herders as I understood their complex method of wealth transference. During that time, they often sat around campfires enjoying a locally brewed concoction which elevated their spirits. They also had many strange but simple games and activities to entertain themselves while the camels grazed and slept on the ancient grassland. One of their favourite activities was to make a mud mask and place it on the face of an honoured guest.

Sometimes, they would mould different facial features with the mud or add sticks or twigs or feathers. Other nights, they would try to imitate a famous face like Genghis Khan or Charo or sculpt a body part from clay to adorn the face. Most of the time the masked person has to dance for the entertainment of the others to get their clothes back. Apparently this is a time honoured tradition that has been going on in this region for literally thousands of years.

Now the exciting part, not only did it elevate the mood of the camp, it made my skin extremely soft and supple. After being the honoured guest for about 30 days, my skin looked 20 yrs younger. I liked it so much I brought a few bags back. Would you folks like me to send some to your labs to analyze it?

 Albert Swinehinderson



Dear Mr. Martin, Member of Parliament,

Please make amendments to the law of gravity. Millions of lives could be saved if gravity were not so indiscriminate. We could also reduce trillions of tons of CO2 with weightless air planes and really light cars.

I think it is unfair that it at present only has exemptions for kitties that fall from apartment buildings. If it’s good enough for kitties, it’s good enough for people.

Albert Swinehinderson


Dear Toyota

I have one of your Matrix’s and enjoy it very much. The best part about it is the remote panic button on the key fob which sets the horn honking and the lights flashing. I hit the panic button several times per day just to scare away the birds and dogs from my car. I even hit it at night as a preventative measure just to let raccoons and would-be thieves know that my car is on guard. Many times it gets pressed inadvertently in my pocket by my body movement. (Or it could be a psychic connection with the car.) It even transmits the activating signal though walls. Sometimes, I hear a faint honking from my office and wonder what the sound could be, only to discover, when I look out the window, a crowd of onlookers staring intently at my car. Usually, I turn off the panic button before they make an attempt with their primitive methods to silence the car. (It might be activated by my car being self-conscious and nervous about all the people around it.) Other times, I am alerted by a co-worker or lot attendant who thinks that my car is having an epileptic fit, but I tell them it’s just amusing itself. These are moments of pure glee for me as it gives me a chance to express my satisfaction with Toyota to anyone within earshot.

Which brings me to my question; is it possible to increase the volume and frequency of the panic alarm to heighten the experience and allow the sound to penetrate further into the building to let me enjoy the sound of my patiently waiting car even more then I already do?

Also, I notice that the interior light does not flash during these events. Shouldn’t all the lights be flashing?

Additionally, is there a fireworks option which could be installed to further increase the drama during special occasions?

Eric Pittman


Dear Chateau Frontenac,

I must apologize for a grievous misfortune which will cause us to renege on our agreement of Jan 15, 2006. We had the best of intentions to recycle your marvellous ice sculpture centerpieces in accordance with your green initiatives. Unfortunately, some things went wrong. Although, we had numerous scientific facts and experiments to back it up and despite the fact that they can do it in rural Pakistan, we could not make it work.

Everything has melted and we are unable to recycle any of the sculptures. It is a total loss. There will be no sense in suing us for any damages as our assets quite simply, liquefied, ran downstairs and out through the basement drain with any remainders being sucked up by a wet vac.

We know your thoughts are with us as we struggle through this difficult time and we apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you. To avoid a repeat of this situation in the future, our equipment has now been upgraded to all recent models of Maytag appliances and new heavy duty extension cords. However, in addition to an apology, we can offer you a half price special for this years services.

We shall be around early in the New Year to collect your ice sculptures as before and the same rates discounted by 50% will apply. Please watch for our green and blue van with the penguins onside in early January.

Thank You,
Albert Swinehinderson


To the Chairperson of the Dewey Decimal System....

Dear Deane,

I disagree with the Dewey Decimal System. It is an arbitrary and lopsided system founded on the suppression of the less fortunate. It is totally unacceptable that since its inception and promotion by Scrooge McDuck, Huey and Louie have been cut out of the deal completely. I understand having a favourite nephew but not at the expense of the others. Please rectify this situation and rename your system the Huey, Dewey and Louie System. This would more accurately reflect the will of the American people.

Thank you,
Albert Swinehinderson